Stay at home dead

Rather surprisingly, and given the endless rain of the preceding few weeks, it’s been a hot few days in Dublin. This brings out the worst in me; namely, maggots and bluebottles. As my flesh starts to rot in the noonday sun, the smell emitted attracts the most unwelcome of slithering, slimy lodgers. Yesterday afternoon, I plucked two bulbous worms from my armpit. Cheeky buggers. I may be dead, but I am not in the ground yet.

To escape the boredom of steaming, decomposing flesh, I went to the cinema. Amid the smell of hot buttered popcorn, nobody seems to be bothered by my rancid odours. Besides, I knew the screening would be near empty because we Irish have been raised to believe that when the sun shines we need to “get out and enjoy it while it’s there”. Otherwise, we will suffer eternal damnation. You can see now why we have the highest cinema attendance in Europe.

The only thing I really knew about The Dark Knight Rises is what I saw in the brilliant trailer, which was operatic and epic in its tone and sets you up for a profound denoument to the trilogy.

Pity the actual film turned out to be shite.

On a positive note, there is just enough of interest in the movie to keep your mind occupied for the two-and-a-half hours that it runs. Bottom line:  if, like me, you’re a decomposing member of the living dead trying to avoid the burning heat of the sun, you could do worse than pass a few hours in the cinema watching this film.

For the cineastes out there, or those who just like a good argument, here’s why the film annoyed more than it entertained:

1.     No Zombies in it.

2.     The exact end to the film is telegraphed right from the first few scenes. It’s downhill after that.

3.     A lot of the dialogue is muffled and unclear. What I’ve read puts this down to the main baddie – Bane – wearing a face-mask. But he’s not the only one who is hard to understand.

4.     Bane’s voice is so obviously post-produced. You never get the sense that what we hear was spoken on the set. The producers should have watched The Humungus character in Mad Max 2 to see how to do this properly.

5.     I know I shouldn’t be one to talk about looks, but Marion Cotillard and Anne Hathaway don’t look beautiful – even though we know they are. Cotillard (so ravishing in Inception) has all the glamour of a washer-woman and Hathaway looks as though she’s been squeezing blackheads from around her lips.

6.     The story constantly shifts not from A to B, but rather A to Z. This is time-saving, but plain lazy and leaves the audience asking obvious, logical questions.

7.     The lack of direction of the extras. Remember those James Bond films of the sixties where, in the climactic action sequence, the good guys attack the bad guys and the latter just stand there, waiting to be beaten? Same here. At times, it’s quite astonishing. You’re being attacked by 5 people and you don’t react – maybe because you’ve read the script and know you’re going to lose the fight anyway?

After seeing The Dark Knight Rises, I went home and watched a Canadian exploitation film (I’m going through a phase) from the seventies called Death Weekend. I remember seeing TV trailers when I was just a child, with a burgeoning interest in action/horror film.

Here’s the astonishing thing: Death Weekend is brilliant on every level when compared to the new Batman film. It does exactly what it sets out to do: it builds tension slowly and methodically and leaves the viewer unsettled and a little shaken. The acting, while not exactly Oscar-worthy, is totally apt for the story and the situation.

Clearly shot for peanuts, Death Weekend  was made by people with craft, skill and an awareness of audience intelligence and needs. Yes, it’s awful too, in the way that only exploitation films can be. And no , it does not deserve a prized place in your DVD or Blu-Ray collection. But neither does The Dark Knight Rises.

Now back to counting maggots….